Love These Little Faces

Summer Fun

2010-07-06T14:33:00.003-04:00

Today is a brain mush day. Yesterday was WAAAAAY to lazy in our house. After a weekend of camping and air shows and beach living (and massive sunburn....when the antibiotics say to avoid direct exposure to sun, they aren't kidding!) it felt good to just lay in the air conditioning and watch mindless TV (I could watch iCarly all day. There. I said it.)

There were a few moments over the weekend that I wanted to freeze. Our little family unit of 4 travels so well together and we excel at camping. It's a hobby that I'm so thankful for and I truly feel blessed that we're all such lovers of camping. We spent time at Ft. Custer Recreation Area this weekend (it's in Battle Creek. Truly one of my fav state parks.) and enjoyed the Air Show. We didn't get to see the hot air balloons which was quite a bummer, but we did get to see jets/airplanes/fun planes @ the air show, and we experienced our first canoe trip with the girls. That was cool b/c Dan and I have done a lot of canoeing together over the years and it was fun to share that with the girls. Eagle Lake @ Ft. Custer was beautiful, mainly because it's pure trees. There are no houses on the lake. And, swimming there is a crazy show - minnows, sun fish and carp swim RIGHT up to you. I couldn't go in. I was a smidge freaked by the carp. But, the girls and Dan loved it. We rode bikes. Walked. Roller skated. Made s'mores. And talked. That's the best part. Watching Dan and Molly sit by the fire and have conversation. I have no idea what they talked about - that's their thing. But, whatever it was, it lasted for a long time. It blessed my heart. Katie and I rode in the car both ways, so we had alone time to talk about various topics. (The things that float through her little brain astonish me.)

Of course I dream of big family vacations. I want to go to Disney with my girls. I want to travel the United States. I was to see so many things. But I don't want to move past the simplicity of camping. I never want to abandon the time we have just the four of us, with our little totes of goodies, and our s'more sticks. I'm thankful that our family enjoys this adventure of camping. It's a moment that I will freeze in my mind forever.

Moving Day

2010-03-12T12:21:00.002-05:00

I feel like my brain is just flying...it's as if I drank a case of Mountain Dew then downed a bag of Pixie Sticks. I can't slow it down, and it's frustrating. This week has been a tunnel of very different emotions and experiences. There are moments that I feel so completely alone, and then there are the times when I feel overwhelmed with an outpouring of support and encouragement. I do feel, though, that I've gone through a rite of passage of sorts. I've graduated. My parents are not 100% helpless by any means. But, we've leveled out the playing field...

Although my mind is racing, I feel like it's completely numb. They're transporting mom today @ 1:30 to a short term care facility. She'll be doing rehab, which will be very good for her. She's an amazing woman with a strong spirit, so I'm sure that this will be a short stay for her. She just wants to go home.

My dad....he's never had to survive without my mom. I was telling him yesterday that we needed to start working on our new definition of "Normal". Because what would used to call "normal" is no longer. He's in a very frazzled state...very confused, tired, drained. The thing that I love even more about my dad these days is that he's raw. He's not afraid to show his emotions and share his fears. In the past week, I've hugged my dad more times than I can count, and just held him as he cried while watching my mom suffer. I, of course, want to run towards the side of crying too because I feel this pain. But, I know that if I lose it in front of my dad, he'll hurt even more. So, for him, I'm strong. I save my shedding of emotions for Dan, the car, the shower and apparently while I'm sitting at my desk at work (caught myself crying the other day while sorting out paper clips...someday I'll laugh at myself for this...) I told my dad that maybe we needed to start moving forward with cleaning out the fridge, doing some laundry (his response, "Your mom is a little particular about how she does the laundry." I told him that I think she'd be okay with him having clean underwear), paying some bills, and various everyday tasks that my mom would normally oversee. It's going to be hard for him. My biggest hope for him is that he realizes that by doing these things, he's not conceding to the fact that she's gone. Because she's not. She's on a mini-break. And, she would WANT him to continue on, so we must do that. But the pain that he feels runs deep. And after being married to someone for 49 years, I can only imagine that he feels like he's missing his other half.

I've called my brother in. Dan and the girls and I are supposed to leave for a little vacation next week, so, I asked Joel to come home and be with dad. My dad will probably feel that he doesn't need it, but, I think it was for my peace of mind. My mom will be okay. She's going to be in a safe place that will give her amazing treatment. I just want to make sure that my dad keeps going.

Ahhhhhhhhh.........we'll get through this. It's a comfort to see my mom smile at me. But, in her heart of hearts, I know that SHE knows that things have changed. I just have to keep reminding myself that change is good. Our new normal.......

So far, 38 sucks....

2010-03-10T17:52:00.002-05:00

...all this with my mom kicked in on my birthday. So, in my opinion, 38 sucks. Today I feel old. It's that time warp again - that one that pulls me into the moment, even though I don't feel ready for it yet. I realize, again, that this is the circle of life. But, I don't FEEL old enough to be hitting this stage. Clearly I am. My parents are 70 and 71. This is what happens. But, I'm not ready. Are we ever? No. Am I in a selfish place today. Hell yes.

Today, I had to discuss words like "Code C" and "Durable Power of Attorney." These are not words that I like. These are not words that I enjoy using. But alas, here we are.

I talked to my BFF this a.m. She is one of 6 kids. I have ALWAYS loved and admired the sibling relationships that are in that family. I'll admit - I get jealous at times. Today, I would give anything to have more siblings. Joel, my brother, is in Illinois. He, surprisingly (and I say that with all the love I have, Joel) was very calm and collected last night, talking me off the ledge. After receiving the phone call from the dr. that I needed to come down to help decipher things, I went into a complete panic attack. I called Joel and I told him that I was living my worst possible nightmare. He told me to take a deep breath and relax. And never, in all my 38 years (stupid 38) have I ever felt complete relief as I did in the voice of my brother. I actually did calm down. Huh! Joel...look at us! We're grown up brother and sister :-)

I also convinced my dad to go home for a bit today. That made me feel grown up too :-)

Today I had another thought flash through my head about my mom. Please try to follow along.....I recently attended a funeral at church for a man that lived 99 amazing years. Our pastor talked during the service about grief and love. That our gift to be able to love, no matter how much joy it brings us on a daily basis, will also cause us immense pain. It's basically a Catch 22. The more we love, the more we grieve. I wouldn't trade it in - I would not want to have missed out on Pat Beals as my mother, but this grieving part is awful. Realizing that there is a chance that she'll bounce back and be the mom that she was a week ago, I also have to start putting myself in the place of not having her like I did a week ago. I think that maybe this is part of my process? I don't know....I've never been through this......

At one point, I was looking at myself in the mirror today and I laughed because my hair is short now, and today it's super curly. And my mom's is super curly right now too because she hasn't been combing it. It's the one thing that people always say we have in common, which then in turn makes us laugh, because being adopted, I clearly don't have my mom's hair! One of the nurse's commented on it today and I found myself starting to giggle about it and then got really sad because my giggling cohort didn't hear it. I also caught myself, stupidly enough, questioning one of the terms that the dr. used. I immediately thought, "Oh, I'll call mom and ask her." This is the stuff that freaks me out.....the natural reaction to a situation might be "call mom" and now, I have to redirect all of my tendancies. Can you re-train a 38 year old (stupid 38)?

The phone rings....

2010-03-09T10:11:00.007-05:00

...during the middle of the night. It's always been my biggest fear because it's never a good thing. I went to bed late on Sunday night because of the Academy Awards and about 2:00 a.m. my phone rings. I, of course, didn't find it in time because I was really foggy - probably just hitting r.e.m. - so I stumbled to the kitchen to see who had called. I didn't recognize the number, but when I heard the voicemail, my heart stopped for what seemed like years. "Hi Julie, This is Nancy from Holland Hospital ICU....." This voice goes on to explain to me that my mom was not in a good state. She was very agitated and she just really wanted to talk to me. So, I called the nurse back and while I was waiting on the line for her, my brain became a kalidescope of about 25 memories of my mom.

I remembered a camping trip that we took when I was young and the adventure that her and I had in the bathroom, using the coin operated showers. It was a race against the timer and in the end, we were both standing there in this nasty shower, full of shampoo, laughing because the water kept shutting off and we kept dropping the quarters because our hands were all soapy.

I remembered summer breaks when I would wake up the a.m., my bedroom windows would be open because it was before we had installed central air in the house. It was humid and the birds would be chirping. The first scent would be strawberry jam. My mom makes batches of the stuff and for whatever reason, when I taste or smell her strawberry jam, I'm instantly morphed into summer and waking up to the smell of it.

I remembered the trip that her and I took to Florida when my Uncle Marlin was sick. We were warriors, arriving to save the day, only to realize that it was to late. We stood together by my Uncle's bedside for a week. We had the chance to talk about life and death while we let him go. I remember watching her age during that week.

I remembered wedding dress shopping

I remembered the morning I had Molly. I was so sick. And the look of panic that my mother had when I was quickly going downhill because I had preclampsia. I was at her house because I couldn't sleep during the night and I went out there hoping to find relief in her. And of course, I did.

I remembered when I was young and my grandma died. My dad was in a state that I had never seen from him. He cried. It was the first time I had seen my dad cry. I asked my mom how dad would get through it. She explained that it's easier to cope when you've got your kids and your spouse, so we were going to be my dad's support system.

I remembered a fight that we had when I was in high school. And I stormed out of the house and got in her car. She chased me and had her hands on the passenger door. In the end, her fingers got pinched in the window as I closed it because I didn't want to listen to her. I drove off like a tough girl, but parked at the end of the street and balled because I had caused my mother physical pain.

When the nurse came back on the line, I was sucked back into reality from these memories. She transferred me to my mom's room. My mom picked up the phone and instantly I could hear that it wasn't her. She was talking such gibberish. But, she kept telling me that she knew I would rescue her. I imagine that in her altered state of mind, me telling her that I couldn't come get her and take her home was about the same as me telling Molly or Katie that they couldn't have something that they REALLY wanted. There was complete disappointment, letdown, and discouragment. She told me to take care of her babies and that we'd muddle through this. We talked in circles for about 20 minutes and in the end, I told that I'd see her in a few hours before her surgery. And that was it. I called back to the nurse's line and asked if they could give her some medication to take the edge off. They called the dr. and he gave permission for something. I called back an hour later and she seemed to be doing better. Of course, I was awake during the rest of the night worrying, wondering, re-living.

When I arrived at the hospital Monday a.m., she didn't recognize me. When my dad arrived, she didn't recognize him. My everyday life is constantly moving at full speed. It's as if I'm riding a merry-go-round and daily I'm hoping to grab things and keep them in order, but, I don't slow down. If I miss something, I just look back and try to figure out how to grab it the next go around. But when I walked in to her room at that moment, and she looked at me with HUGE eyes, but didn't know who I was, everything stopped. I played it out like one of Tony Soprano's dream sequences. Very eerie. Very slow. Very quiet.

I was living that moment again. I was caught in that web of in between because I'm truly not yet ready to take the reigns. I don't want to be the grown-up yet. My mom is my biggest cheerleader. I'm not ready for that spot to be vacant. And I know that what I'm going through is nothing unique. It's the circle of life. It's happens to everyone. And, I was reminding myself in many different moments that we should be thankful that this was delerium and NOT dementia. Our road was temporary. But, this is a moment in time that I've dreaded literally for as long as I can remember. I've spent many years wondering why it is that I fear losing my parents so much. It grips me. As a young child, I remember my night terrors revolved around this fear. And, in my "smart" mind, I knew that this was just a temporary lapse for her. The dr. explained to us that this delerium was brought on by different factors. I heard it in my smart mind. But, it processed through my crazy mind.

She went through surgery. The infected gall bladder was removed and all that went well. I think I was expecting a small miracle afterwards. Perhaps that she'd just be completely back to normal. That was my crazy mind thinking. And, today is a new day for her. I'm hopeful that when I arrive today, she'll see me and smile and say my name.

Last night when I got home late from the hospital, I sat with my girls on the couch and we listened to Molly read Green Eggs and Ham. I hugged those girls so tight to my side. They asked me how Mom was feeling. I explained to them that she had surgery and that she was resting and now the medicine would REALLY work. They were completely satisfied by that. My biggest hope is that they don't have the fear that I grew up with. I think that so far, they've handled all this really well. I hope that their ideas about illness and hospitals and death are going to form in a healthy way. I soaked in those few seconds last night listening to Molly's little voice read while Katie cuddled on my lap. It was a slow moment.....they're rare.

THE Moment

2010-03-07T22:12:00.003-05:00

I saw my mom two seperate times today. I went with the girls after church and then we went tonight. Both times, I realized just how unhappy my mom is in the hospital. And then, I had the moment. The moment where I felt I jumped over that vague line in the sand. The moment where I crossed from being the daughter who is taken care of, to being the daughter who takes care of. It literally hit me like a wave of heat. At one point, I was standing next to my mom, rubbing her face, telling her that she just needed to realize that she wasn't going home. All day, that's all she's been saying. She wants to go home. When we talked to the surgeon this a.m., she seemed so happy because there was a plan in action - surgery was on the agenda for tomorrow. But, that meant that she's in the hospital until AT LEAST Tuesday. When I saw her tonight, she was a-n-g-r-y at my dad and my uncle because they wouldn't take her home. She told the innocent Unit Tech when he asked if there was anything he could do, "You could let me go home." I finally used my stern voice with her. The voice I use with Katie and Molly. "Mom...you KNOW you can't go home. You need to stop. You can't be mad at dad or Uncle Larry because they won't take you home. Now stop being ridiculous." She just looked up at me with big eyes. I hated that feeling. And then after I said it, I took a deep breath and stepped back. Because it was something that SHE would have said to ME, had I been the one laying in that bed. She's not ready to let go of her role as the care-giver. But, she also needs to take on the role of care-taker....she needs to take what we're willing to give her. And for me, it's a slow motion piece of realization. I've allowed myself to enter into this time...realizing that my mother in not invincible. I think she has done such a good job my entire life covering just how bad her MS is, how much pain she endures, I just continue to move forward with things, not acknowledging that there is an issue. But, I acknowledge it now.

"Why's Mom still in the hospital?"

2010-03-06T21:00:00.002-05:00

How do you explain to a child what the whole hospital scene is all about? It's such a fine line because I want to make sure that my girls are not fearful and dreadful of illness and death (like I was and still am...) but I also don't want to freak them out with anything going on in a hospital.

The difference between my two girls is crazy amazing. Molly is nervous. When we went to visit my mom last night, the first time they have seen her in the hospital, Molly was biting her nails, chewing on her hair and trying to talk about anything besides mom being in the hospital. She wouldn't go near mom. After awhile, she warmed up. And today, she was fine. Her little nature was amazing....she insisted that we go to the gift shop and get something for mom that would comfort her. She found a Hello Kitty that "mom could cuddle with". Of course, I stood in the gift shop crying because while nervous, her little heart bubbles over with love and caring and she instantly wants to make sure that everyone is take care of.

Katie, on the other hand...she's all up in mom's face. "Mom - what's this?" "Mom - where is this going?" "Mom - what is that in your nose?" When I showed her mom's catheter bag, she laughed. She was so, so comfortable. And she just wanted to ask a MILLION questions. It was a comfort to Molly to see Katie so relaxed, and I think that, in turn, helped Molly relax.

My girls.......all they want to know right now is why "Mom is still in the hospital." We want to know that too. So does mom. She's not a good patient. I suppose a retired nurse is a working nurse's worst nightmare. We're hoping for steady progress and a good outcome.

And then she was 6...

2010-02-15T06:29:00.004-05:00

...I can't believe that Molly is 6. I truly remember everything about the day she was born as if it was yesterday. And, it seems so cliche to say that she changed my life, but, she did change my life. It was such a journey to get her - struggles, sadness, hope - that when she was finally with us, it seemed like a dream. I said to her last night while we were watching the Olympics, "Molly, that girl is only 16." Then, of course, I hugged her tighter and kissed her little cheek because I realized that in 10 short years, she'll be 16. 10 years...it's 3650 days away. But it may as well just be tomorrow b/c (again, HUGE cliche), time flies. I cannot even begin to wrap my brain around the amount of love I feel for this child......

....So, I've decided that I'm going to try to become a morning person...here's to day 1. Jumped out of bed when my alarm went off (mainly because I had to go to the bathroom so bad), go ready and now, here I am. Here's to hoping...

...1:30 this morning, Dan and I wake up to the sound of our stupid dog puking. On our bed. On the floor. In the kitchen. He was 3 for 3. This is not a good situation. I can handle just about anything - becoming a mother prepares you for that. Poop, blood, boogers - none of it phases me. But puke...that's another story. As we were cleaning it up, I was totally reminded of the scene in Stand By Me. You know, the pie eating contest. Yeah - Dan and I were on the verge of that. It was not pretty. And, this whole early morning wake-up call did not help my new venture into becoming a morning person. But, whatever. I'm sure I'll crash and burn around 2:00 this afternoon.

Monday's rock, right? Today is a day that is worth celebrating! Molly is 6!!!

Baby, Mr. Walt and God

2009-02-18T22:43:00.004-05:00

You may know this or you may remember the status changes on Facebook...a few weeks ago, we lost Baby. Katie's Baby is her best friend (shhhh...don't tell Molly.) This Baby was a gift from Miss Jenny (our old daycare friend) and for as long as Katie can remember, she has not been without Baby. When Baby got lost a few weeks ago, I honestly felt pain for her. She grieved in a way that only a 3 1/2 year old can grieve. She doesn't understand the concept of death, but she understood the idea of loss. She felt it and so did I. So, when we found Baby (I'm still not sure how it all came down...all I know is that I came home from work and Baby had returned) it was like Christmas all over again.

The girls both go to preschool at our church. We have the BEST custodian at church - Mr. Walt. He's an amazingly sweet grandpa type man who always greets the girls when they go to school. When we go in, they run down the hall to Mr. Walt's office and say Hi. It's a double bonus because Mr. Walt goes to our church too, so they see him on Sunday's as well.

Tonight we were at church because I've been taking a class. The girls get to play with their friends. It's fun to see them become so comfortable with the church and the other kids their age. It warms my heart. When we left the house, Katie, of course, insisted on taking Baby. Dan has become like a hall monitor whenever Baby is involved..."Leave Baby in the car." "Don't take Baby in." "Leave Baby home...I'll take care of her!". But, Katie insisted and Dan caved. Off we went to church. When we got there, I told Katie - "You're in charge of Baby. If you take Baby in, you have to bring Baby out." "Yeeeees Mommy."

Fast Forward to us being the last ones in the church parking lot. In the cold. And I have to go potty.

"Mommy, can you hand me Baby?"
"Katie...where IS Baby?"

Pin drop. Gasp.

At this point, Molly kicks in. When we lost Baby a few weeks ago, Molly was not as sad as Katie and I were, but she was sad that I cried. She was my little dancing Monkey, trying to entertain me so that I wouldn't cry with Katie. We had a conversation after the first Baby Tragedy of 2009 about God taking care of Baby. Molly's deep. She's got an old soul. And that soul is such a blessing to all of us. She, in the blink of an eye, can pick up on distress or sadness. She's so sensitive and caring, sometimes I'm scared for her because I feel that she worries about things that no 5 year old should worry about. And she knew that losing Baby again would rock Katie's world. And it did. Katie was, of course, crying. Begging me to go in and get Baby. I tried to help her understand that we could get Baby tomorrow at school. I told her that Baby would have fun spending the night at church. I tried to help her understand that at least THIS TIME, we knew were Baby was. And, I threw down my mother card by trying out, "Katie...didn't Mommy and Daddy tell you that YOU were in charge of Baby? Wasn't it YOUR responsibility to make sure Baby came home with us?"

Clearly I wasn't comforting Katie enough. Molly, in all her glory, stepped in. She began to rub Katie's face. She started talking to her in her best "Mommy" voice. "It's okay Katie. Baby is warm. Baby will sleep okay. We'll find you another Baby at home." She was workin' it with Katie. And, she kept glancing at me as to say "See Mommy, THIS is how you soothe someone!" But Katie...she was sobbing, asking Molly to figure out how to get in the church and retrieve Baby.

And, as quickly as it started, it was over when Molly said the magic words. "Katie...don't worry...God will take care of Baby. Well, God and Mr. Walt." Katie lifted her head and took a deep breath. She looked at Molly and smiled. "Thank You, Molly." As we drove past the church, Katie waved and said, "Goodbye Baby. Mr. Walt and God will take care of you."

Peanut Butter Ball EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

2008-11-30T21:10:00.003-05:00

Today was the day...one day a year our family gathers (and anyone else we can rope in) to roll out HUNDREDS of peanut butter balls. Then we dip them. This was the first year that Molly and Katie not only attended but actively participated (read: dipped every possible thing they could find in chocolate). We rolled and rolled, ate lunch, then dipped and dipped. It's a fantastic (read: dreadful) experience. So, for those of you that care, PEANUT BUTTER BALLS ARE HERE!!!!!

The kicker to my day......what a fantastic moment in my road with Molly. This little girl, the one that was a total miracle, the one that melted my heart and changed my life in a way that I can never describe, she rocked my world today. She walked right up to me, hands on hips, and screeched: "Mommy. You. Have. Ruined. My. Life." It was one of those moments when it seemed as if time stood still because I was honestly trying to figure out what I did. But more importantly, I wondered how at the age of 4 3/4, I could have done something so AWFUL that I had ruined her life. Isn't this the kind of line that I should expect when she's 13 and I refuse to pay $160 for a pair of jeans? Or when I tell her that she CAN'T wear the make-up that makes her look like a street walker? (That's a true story.....my mom did that to me....ruined my life. Ironic, huh?) So, I realize I have two choices - I could handle this the sweet, nurturing, don't want to harm her psyche way OR I could go about it in the Pat Day Way. It's patented. The Pat Day Way was created by an amazing woman who has raised 6 children (5 of them girls, so Pat Day has ruined lives many times over). It is guaranteed to work. Perhaps not in the way that pediatricians or child psychologists would recommend, but for a mother who is up to her elbows in peanut butter, it's an amazing tactic. I decide to go the Pat Day route. Molly is still standing there with her hands on her hips, perhaps even tapping her little toe at me, waiting for a response. So, I turn and look at her, put my hands on my hips, and say, "Well, get over it kid. You're not even 5. There's not much life there to ruin." That outta get her movin'! Yes. I'm not only a fan of the Pat Day Way, I'm a user too! Of course, my child, this sweet little girl who loves to cuddle and give kisses can't just let this pass. She proved to me just how much of a sponge young children are. She used my own words against me. And it was one of those mommy moments where I sat back and thought about other life altering things I could have said and done today. She threw her hands up in the air, rolled her eyes, and said, "Ugh, Mommy...you're killin' me here." And she walked off. Y-IKES. Make better choices, Julie. Always remember to lead by example because nothing I say or do will go unseen......

My husband starts his winter hours tomorrow. He's up at 2:00 a.m. and to work by 2:30. Winter is almost a period of hibernation for the Marroquin house. I tuck all of them in by 8:00. It's a beautiful time of the year for me because I find that I enjoy the quiet evenings. Don't get me wrong, it does get a little lonely after a few months. But after going through this with him for 10 years, I have found that I love these months for various reasons, most of all for the fact that it's a very introspective time for me. I get to read without interruption (I even joined a book group!), I get to work on my sewing/scrapbooking/cardmaking/project of choice without having to monitor glue and scissors, and I get to control the remote. I couldn't ask for anything better! And, I am quickly reminded of the dedication that my husband has for our family. He'll get up at 2:00, work at a job that very few people would want (he works for the wastewater treatment plant), leave work at 2:30 in the afternoon and pick up both girls, get home and put together any loose ends to the dinner I've planned for us, clean off the driveway if it needs it, pack his lunch, play with the girls, wrap up his day with me, and then collapse in to bed just to do it again the next day. It's truly like Groundhog Day for him. I have so much respect for him and I'm humbled by the fact that he does this in order to provide such a fantastic life for the girls and I. He's amazing and I love him so much. We're a very lucky group of girls here in this house...

My Phone Conversation

2008-11-28T14:14:00.006-05:00

I love Wednesday's. I don't have to work at the library, so I get to spend the day wearing my "Mommy" hat. I try to keep things to a dull roar, but usually that doesn't work. This past Wednesday was going to be a good one - my plan was to get up, have breakfast with Molly and Katie, dunk the girls in the tub, pick up and vacuum, gather our stuff and leave the house around noon to get to my parents so that I could help set tables and decorate for Thanksgiving - we had family dinner for 16 to prepare. I love this time of the year!!!!!

The girls are early risers. They are usually up around 7:00 or 7:30, almost like clockwork. Their little bladders are like alarm clocks. So, they were up with an agenda of their own. They wanted to have computer time. They wanted to play. They wanted to watch High School Musical (which I always get sucked in to.....the songs are very catchy :-) All this turned into a small arena of WWF in our living room because my girls CANNOT go more than 1/2 hour without breaking out with the wrestling moves. All this chaos, and we haven't had breakfast, baths or even coffee at this point. As the clock ticked away, I could see that my "plan" wasn't going to see the light of day. So, I worked hard on adjusting my list (and my attitude because my patience was wearing thin) and decided that we wouldn't do baths. I was working on trying to fill out and address 8 invitations as a favor to my mom. Simple enough. Fast forward to 11:30. We're still in our p.j.'s, the invites are still not finished, no laundry complete, and the only thing that I've been able to pick up is all the toys that the girls have brought out. My frustration level was rising, as was my blood pressure.

My cell phone rang and I saw that it was a friend that I hadn't talked to in a while. She was going in to the library and she was wondering if I was there (at this point, I was almost wishing that I was!!!) By the end of our conversation, she was walking out of the library. As she was trying to leave the parking lot, she was having problems because there was a mother that was leaving with her kids. Now, this friend that I was talking to is one of the most intelligent women I know. She's got a heart of gold, she's the kind of friend that would, without question, go to the ends of the earth for you. She's priceless. And, I know that if she reads this blog, she'll see my love even through these words. But, what she said next to me still, as I'm typing this, makes my hands sweat. "Ughh....I don't know why stay at home mom's aren't always in a good mood. They get to work in their pajamas all day!" Was it just my current situation (two daughters that were pulling on my arms as I was on the phone) or was it the bigger concept of this statement that frustrated me??? We talked back and forth about this - she made a comment about the fact that S.A.H.M.'s didn't have to wear pantyhose to work, so they should be happy. I retorted by saying that I never could have understood the plight of a S.A.H.M. until I had kids. I was almost dizzy with frustration (over the comments and my daughters, who at this point have managed to take my blood pressure to the point of no return) so I finally asked my friend if she had just called me to argue with me. We ended our conversation and I moved on with my day. Although, I couldn't shake the __________ (I can't figure out what word I want to put here because it was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings) that our conversation had left me with. It got me thinkin'....

When I think of S.A.H.M.'s, I think of two amazing women in particular. My college roommate Heidi is raising 4 daughters and loving every second of it. I have never met someone who is more enthusiastic about being a mother and wife. This woman gets up at 5am to work out because there is not a second of her day when her girls are awake that is not dedicated to them. Her husband (also a college friend) travels for work, so many times she is running her household on solo. Luckily, Heidi lives by her parents, so they're able to help when needed. But, knowing Heidi, she doesn't look for help that often. 4 daughters. Can you even imagine? I can barely handle two and she has double that!!! Heidi Lee - you inspire me! You are raising 4 girls that are going to be happy and healthy in their relationships, their lives and they will always have fond memories of their mom being home with them. I know that you don't stay in your p.j.'s all day long :-)

The second person I think of is my friend Peg. This woman - she has two daughters and as if that's not enough, she takes care of two different kids on various days of the week. I recently teased Peg because she told me her secret - she drinks about 12 cups of coffee everyday. It was almost like seeing the man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz...once I knew how the machine worked, it was less exciting. (TOTALLY JOKING!) I have never met a more creative and intuitive mother. Peg is like the McGyver of mothers. You give her 3 objects and she'll make something so amazing, it will blow your mind. Her house is always spotless (although she would argue this), her calendar is always full (trust me...I can't get a play date with her :-), and her girls are AMAZING and my daughters love and adore them. Peg - you are an amazing mother and I've told you before, I stand in awe of you. Thanks for helping me raise my girls - your advice and tips have been priceless.

Before I had kids, I dreamed of being a S.A.H.M. Now, I honestly don't think I could do it. I don't love my daughters any less than Heidi or Peg love their daughters. I just don't have the patience or strength to do it. The world of S.A.H.M.'s get a terrible wrap. My friend's comment on our phone conversation sums it up. People honestly think that S.A.H.M.'s have nothing better to do than play with their kids, watch TV, and make fabulous meals. We've all heard comparisons before - I've seen TV commercials, read it in books, heard it on the radio - about how mom's are like C.E.O.'s that run companies. They are like accountants because they have to manage the bills. Blah, blah, blah. Women (and I'm considering myself one of these women) that work don't have it harder than S.A.H.M.'s (my phone friends said that she thinks I have it more difficult because I work AND try to raise a family). S.A.H.M.'s have THE hardest job in the world. Hands down. There are many parallels to working moms and S.A.H.M.'s. There are just as many car pools and school projects and sick days. But, working moms (again, that's me) can walk away from people at the end of the day. S.A.H.M.'s can't. I may be tired at the end of the day, but I get to go home and see my girls and love on them and let them refresh me. At the end of Heidi and Peg's days, there's no escape. They don't get to take a break. And that's what amazes me about them. I know that if I called them at the end of the day, they may be worn out, but they will have had an AMAZING day with their kids. And, the decisions that I make during the day are NOTHING compared to what a S.A.H.M. makes. Everything that they say, every move they make will play in to the development of their children. What I do during the day effects others, but, I'm not here to raise my co-workers.......they're someone else's problem. But, for a S.A.H.M., there's never a moment that a reaction or a comment can just be flippant. When Peg and Heidi and every other S.A.H.M. wake up in the morning, they're in the spotlight.

The argument that I hear already is that they make that choice to stay home. And yes, they do. But, at some point, the stereotype of the S.A.H.M. has got to stop. I'm not going to act that my job is more important than a S.A.H.M's. No job is. And, the other key to this is that if you don't have kids, you cannot even speak with any amount of authority on this. I never in my wildest dreams would have understood the turmoils and frustrations and worries of being a mother until I had kids. My phone friend, bless her heart, doesn't have kids. So, why do S.A.H.M.'s get such a bad wrap? Because people think that raising a kid is a snap. Easy cheesy, right? Working mom's (again, me) are in a class of their own. It's hard, what I do. There's a balancing act that is exciting, exhilarating and insane all at the same time. Why, on more than one occasion, have I been told that it's admirable what I do? Yet women like Heidi and Peg are scrutinized because they potentially can't find time in a day to take a shower and do their make-up before they step foot out of the house? Ughhhhh...it makes me sad...........

Heidi and Peg, you two are amazing examples of mothers. I admire you and appreciate you. I have an endless amount of respect for what you do everyday. I hope that you know that what you're doing will change lives. That's huge. And you know what, if you want to be in your p.j.'s all day, go ahead. I think it's hot..............

DO we need a new dog?

2008-11-26T21:27:00.008-05:00

The girls and I were busy cooking for tomorrow.....it was a girls only night - TONS of fun :-) We were in the kitchen listening to Christmas music and making a pie when we heard Slash scratching on the living room floor. Here's the situation: our dog is old. He's 12, which is gettin' up there for a Lab. But, the girls think he's their puppy, and they're none the wiser to his age. I knew what was happening - he couldn't get up off the floor. So, I went into the living room and tried to help him by lifting his hind end up. He whimpered and looked at me with very sad eyes. These are the eyes that comforted me through many miscarriages, family deaths, marital strife, and tired nights with new babies. MY puppy is hurting and it absolutely breaks my heart. So, I came in to the kitchen tearing up having a hard time answering the question, "Mommy, why is Slash crying?" I went on to explain that Slash was getting old and his bones are sore. We had a 20 minute conversation that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I tried to explain to my 3 and 4 year old daughters that at some point, Slash won't be here with us everyday. In an instant, Katie went to work trying to make Slash better. She wasn't going to hear negative talk about her puppy. She tried to comfort him by playing music over and over from her snow globe. She brought him treats. She brought out the sacred Snap N' Style Dolls and invited Slash to play with her. And, to cap it off, she gave him her spare blanket, "in case his bones are cold." She played with him, talked to him, petted him and kissed on him. After having some discussion with Slash (I couldn't hear it all...it was quiet talk), she came to me and comforted me, telling me that it was okay if we needed to "get a new dog." Of course, I cried. Because I love her heart. I love her sensitivity. I love the innocence of the whole scenario. She told me that she thinks that Slash wants to see his Mommy, so it was okay. I asked her if she wanted me to take a picture of her and "Slashy Boy" for her photo album. She said it was okay as long as I didn't wake him up. Because he was tucked in. My little ladybug......she is an amazing little soul.

Flu Shot Day!

2008-11-24T21:55:00.002-05:00

It may have been easier just to let the girls get sick! Katie was my brave little toaster. She tried to tell Molly that "shots are good" and "shots don't hurt!", but Molly wasn't buying it. We even had Katie go first so that Molly could watch. Katie was my flu shot rockstar!

When I was a kid, my favorite show to watch and scare myself with was "The Incredible Hulk". I would watch it only if my dad was watching it too because I would sit on the floor clutching his legs. And you always knew when it was going to happen. The music would start. The camera would freeze and David Banner's eyes would start to get glassy. Next thing you knew, the shirt started to tear. Well, I experienced that today with Molly. There was no music. Just screaming. Lots of it. Now, my 4 3/4 year old daughter went from encouraging Katie to negotiating with the nurse. She kept screaming and crying..."Wait Dr., wait....I don't want it to hurt!" And, God love 'em, for the most part, pediatric nurses have no soft sides. They just say it like it is. The louder Molly screamed, the louder the nurse yelled, "You've got to not overthink it Molly." At one point, I looked right at the nurse as she was trying to hold down The Hulk and I just thought to myself, "Really? You're telling her to not 'overthink it'? Huh...she barely grasps the concept of brushing our teeth before bed. You're coming at her with a needle and you want her to not 'overthink it'? I think I'm just going to sit back and let her kick you in the teeth with her boots on." But alas, I had thoughts of my mother who at one point was a pediatric nurse (please see above comment re: the soft sides) and decided that I would protect this nurse.

As if Molly hollowing wasn't enough - all the commotion freaked out Katie. She obviously felt as if this nurse was trying to amputate Molly's leg, so SHE starts screaming. It was like a little choir of screaming and yelling. It was beautiful. I considered trying to start a round of "Row Row Row Your Boat" but I thought better of it when the nurse started barking at me to hold The Hulk's hands. I kicked in with the negotiations. I was talking normally in Molly's ear, telling her that she needed to calm down because she was upsetting Katie, but that didn't matter. I was trying to comfort Katie with my foot because both my arms and my torso were holding down Molly. It wasn't working (small shock). And just like that, it was over. The nurse said, "There, you're done Molly." And Molly popped up like a spring, without a tear, and said "Thank you." What? Thank you?!? Well, at least The Hulk has manners. At this point, we packed our bag (remember the music when David Banner had to leave town because his secret was out and he starts hitchiking down the street? Start humming that now.) and I opened the door. I don't know WHY I assumed it was a sound proof door. Every single person in that dr.'s office was staring at us. Small children, adults, patients, dr.'s, EVERYONE. I, of course, wanted to start asking them all what the hell they were staring at, but, I didn't. We made our way to the toy basket (which is full of junk that I'm pretty sure is already wedged in my car seats) and we checked out. I asked the nurse at the front desk if it was my turn for a shot - a shot of tequila. I thought I was being witty and trying to break the ice (because everyone was so horrified) but she just cordially laughed and looked at the door. I took the hint. I'm sure that there's a note in our file.

Molly Ann

2008-11-22T22:56:00.005-05:00

This is a picture from our night downtown from the Christmas open house. The only reason I'm posting it is because I absolutely love this girl. This face is so yummy and those cheeks - I could eat them up! She is fantastic and I'm so proud of her........

Her 1st Dance Class

2008-11-22T22:42:00.006-05:00

Katie loved it. She's a natural. And, she's sooooo excited to have a class of her own. Molly has always done all the activities, and now Katie gets her turn. When she was in her class, she would turn and look out at Molly and I and wave her little hand and smile. She was in 7th heaven! My baby, my little love nugget...she's getting so big. I'm so excited for her....... (Doesn't this picture make you want to smooch her cheeks? She is so yummy!!!) My favorite time with Katie? At the end of the day when she's so cuddly and she'll just sit in my lap and I can rub her face and she holds my hand. She'll look at me, "I love you Mommy." It melts my heart and I sit back and realize how incredibly lucky I am.

Slideshow

2008-11-21T22:26:00.002-05:00

The slideshow consists of 155 of my favorite pics (only 155???) - I'll upload more in a few months. I need to collect some more :-) Enjoy!!!

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!

2008-11-21T14:23:00.004-05:00

Katie gets to start her dance class tomorrow.....I'll take pictures of both of them. Today when I went to pick up the girls from daycare, I wanted to absoultely freeze time. It was snowing like crazy here and both girls were standing outside, heads up, tongues out, catching snow. The laughter. The simplicity. Could there be any more perfect situation? To the very depths of my soul, I love those girls. It physically pains me to try to wrap my head around the amount of love I have for them. They are my life..............................................

I feel her pain...

2008-11-18T11:52:00.004-05:00

My little Ladybug (Katie) has so much anxiety about being left. I know that it's because we had some major changes all at once (new daycare and start of school within days of each other...hindsight - I would do it differently). But, it's been almost 2 1/2 months and she STILL panics in the a.m. when we go to new daycare. I remember having that same kind of anxiety; the fear of being left. I think that mine came from my brother taunting me when we were young - he used to tell me at the grocery store that mom and dad were leaving us there. Once at KMart, I went out and sat on the hood of the car so that I KNEW they wouldn't leave us. My parents used to drop me off at brownies and I wouldn't even go downstairs - I would stand upstairs and wait for them to come back to pick me up. When I went to swim lessons, I had such a stomach ache, I couldn't even swim. But Katie, she panics and I feel so bad for her because I know that fear. I try to reassure her when I take her to daycare that I'll be back right after lunch. Sometimes I leave her something of mine so that she knows that I'll be back to collect. But those big eyes, full of tears, kill me. She looks up at me, "Mommy, don't take so long." What instills that fear in kids? Molly doesn't even blink twice when I'm leaving. But Katie has to tell me at least five times to not "take so long." I'm sad for her because I don't want her to feel that pain, the fear of being abandoned. How do I shake that for her???

Where's my cape?

2008-11-15T21:06:00.007-05:00

Today, the girls and I went to Meijer's to grocery shop. As always, we had to ride the pony which is the whole PURPOSE of going to Meijer!!! But, when we were done, there was a dad sitting there with his son, waiting for their mommy to find them because she had the pennies. So I said to the dad, "do you need a penny?" and he said, "oh yeah, that would be great." After we walked away, Molly grabbed my hand and stopped me and she said, "Mommy, you're like a superhero because you give people things when they don't have them. I love you, Mommy." Ummmm.........talk about positive affirmation :-)

Katie and I took Molly to dance class this a.m. - this was Katie's first visit. They offer a class for her an hour after Molly's class is finished. Convenient for me? Heck no. Easy to schedule? Not so much. But, as Katie stood by the door watching all the little ballerina's jumping around, I knew that we would have to add the class to our Saturday schedule. My little ladybug wants to dance!!!!! Who am I to stop the dance?!?!? "Me? A class for me???"...........next Saturday Katie will fulfill her little heart's desire and step into the dance class :-)

Our neighbors that live across the street from us have been asking if Molly and Katie can come over to play at their house. They are grandparents. I actually graduated from high school with their youngest son and daughter in law, so I've known them for a really long time. But, Jim and Sally have toys and games and all the fun stuff grandpa's and grandma's have. So, they asked us a week ago if the girls could come over for dinner (grilled cheese sandwiches, soup, jello, cookies and milk) and to play. We walked them over at 4:00 and picked them back up around 8:00. Dan and I actually went out for dinner. Just the two of us. We got to enjoy our meal. We talked, uninterrupted, for almost 4 hours. Simple pleasures...that's what it's all about. (Sidenote - the girls did arts and crafts with Jim and Sally and created Christmas presents for Dan and I. Molly can hardly stand having the secret. She's SOOO like me :-)

How the brain works...

2008-11-14T20:27:00.004-05:00

Molly said to me tonight, "Mommy, this is the first time I've ever said this, but I had a dream last night." My jaw dropped. How does she know what a dream is? So I went on to ask her wht she dreamt about. She said, "There were people in my eyes. When my eyes were closed." So tonight I told her that she could have another dream tonight and she said, "No, I already had my dream last night." I love her........we're off to dance class tomorrow!

Katie helped me decorate Christmas cookies tonight. We made tiny little snowmen and she added the cinnamon candies for their buttons. Her little fingers were at work! She loves the little detail of things. I love her.........we're off to the library to eat hot dogs in the cafe at lunch tomorrow!

What's this blog thing all about?!?!?

2008-11-13T15:31:00.002-05:00

My college roomie (Heidi Lee) encouraged me to do this.......her blog almost brought me to tears it was so beautiful. Now, if only I could figure out how to work this thing. (Don't I sound old?!?!?)